The comms of falling in love

I always say people underestimate the power of comms. It can make people choose what to buy, decide where to work, or change what they believe. On a personal level, it can even influence how people feel about each other.

Based on psychology research, here are some tactics for finding and keeping love.¹

1. Understand what causes love

2. Show your interest

3. But not too much

4. Impress their friends

5. Think different

6. Be good but not perfect

7. Scary, stressful, sexy

8. Embrace TMI

9. Ask a favor

10. Mirror moods

11. Gas them up

12. Good guilt only

13. Give to get

1) UNDERSTAND WHAT CAUSES LOVE

Research shows that three major factors cause people to develop feelings of love: proximity, similarity, and familiarity. (Obv physical attraction plays a role but that’s out of scope here!)

Basically, people are more likely to fall in love with people they interact a lot with, have a lot in common with, and whom they know well. As a starting point, this simply means you should open up, find things in common, and just be around each other more.

2) SHOW YOUR INTEREST

In one study, 90% of people said that knowing the other person was interested in them was a major factor in their falling in love.

3) …BUT NOT TOO MUCH

Research shows that people are the most romantically interested in someone who MIGHT like them, much more than someone who definitely does or doesn’t.

Uncertainty reduction theory says people will spend more mental energy on figuring out something unknown, and the principle of scarcity also tells us people place more value on something less certain. Uncertainty is more intriguing to men in particular, who are more likely to take chances and seek out a challenge.

4) IMPRESS THEIR FRIENDS

Younger people especially are more likely to seek the approval of their peers, so it’s useful to get on good terms with the other people in their life. Time for an influencer strategy!

5) THINK DIFFERENT

I mentioned that research shows similarity makes a relationship more likely. The theory of self expansion also says that, after the initial attraction, the presence of opposite traits make a relationship more likely to last, as people see more opportunity for self expansion.

6) BE GOOD BUT NOT PERFECT

Another factor in attraction is competence. Likeability through competence can be increased through the pratfall effect: if someone perceived you as competent to begin with, then making minor mistakes or showing vulnerability will make you even more likable (again, only if you’re seen as competent to begin with!).

7) SCARY, STRESSFUL, SEXY

People are much more attracted to someone they see after experiencing danger or excitement. Misattribution of arousal is when people get physiologically stimulated and attribute their higher heart rate etc. to the person they’re with, instead of the situation they’re in. Apparently rock climbing or a horror movie are solid first date ideas.

8) EMBRACE TMI

A key ingredient in love is intimacy. Psychologist Arthur Aron’s experiments at UC Santa Cruz showed that people who shared private information tended to feel a closer attraction to each other.

The idea is that intimate conversation puts people at risk of embarrassment, and risk and vulnerability lead to trust and mutual affection.

9) ASK A FAVOR

The insufficient justification effect means people will update their beliefs to justify an already completed action.

The same way Ben Franklin used to turn enemies into friends by asking to borrow a book from them, you can make someone like you more by asking them for help in small (!) ways.

10) MIRROR MOODS

Bonds of affection are strengthened by shared moods, which create a sense of solidarity and promote long term stability in relationships. Happy moods are better than sad moods for bonding. Laughing moods are exceptionally infectious. Go to a comedy club together.

11) GAS THEM UP

The need to preserve self esteem is seen as one of the most basic and powerful human motivations, and research shows there are few better ego boosts than knowing that someone loves and is attracted to you.

When people experience an increase in self esteem, they’ll continue or double down on the actions that led them there. That’s why even small compliments are considered so powerful.

12) GOOD GUILT ONLY

When we think of guilt, we might picture the bad kind that comes from resorting to threats or distancing yourself in order to solicit attention, and that’s rarely effective. These are seen as manipulative ploys and will only make people withdraw further.

The strongest guilt comes from hurting someone we love, and that’s actually healthy. It comes from vulnerability (I read that the best way to dissipate an argument is simply to say, “Ouch.”) This earnest kind of guilt is shown to be an extremely effective agent of apologizing and making changes, motivating relationship repair.

13) GIVE TO GET

It’s a truism that love takes compromise. The reason comes from evolutionary psychology: the reciprocity norm exists because by helping others, we can secure their help in return, making it easier to survive together in this hostile world.

Survival of the species isn’t the most romantic way to think about doing nice things for someone, but in a way, isn’t that what love itself boils down to?

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If anyone is interested in some further reading, check out the work of:

• Roy Baumeister and Sara Wotman (on unrequited love)

• Peter Gray (on the psychology of love)

• Carol Nagy Jacklin and Eleanor Emmons (on the psychology of sex differences)

• Peter Salovey (on the triangular theory of love)

• Shelley Wu (on psychological theories about the dynamics of love)

1. Please use responsibly.